Hold (ON HIATUS)
by GwendolynTalbot
Summary: Season 9 **EOEOEOEO** "If it all fell apart, what would remain?" With his marriage at breaking point Elliot turns to his best friend, who supports him through it. As a case slowly unravels, Liv and El eventually become closer than ever, after they are finally honest about their feelings. An unknown perp focuses on Elliot - with a risk taken that could have serious consequences.
1. Chapter 1

**The story opens just before Signature, but the case referred to at the beginning is not linked to any episode. The events of signature will be mentioned in chapter 3. This is of course EO, and it starts off T rated but I am making it M, as Liv and El will be getting considerably closer as the story progresses ;-) Also take a look at Disarm which I am working on alongside this story.**

 **CHAPTER 1**

Olivia switched on her lamp and moved to the couch, sitting down as she placed a cup of coffee on her table. It had been a long day - in truth, a long _three_ days as she hadn't been home since the case started.

Her mind instantly drifted back to the last few days - things had been tense and she and Elliot had both been guilty of taking it out on each other at times - things had been said on both sides in the heat of the moment that they didn't really believe.

She sighed, leaning back on her couch and tried to put the events of the past few days out of her head. Elliot just had to go that one step further - hit slightly below the belt with his words. She'd given as good as she got, but he just seemed to be relentless. She knew they'd be ok - they always were in time, but she couldn't deny that his words had hurt her. They had parted on strained terms again, but she knew it wouldn't last long.

He wouldn't talk about his marriage - she knew that meant it was struggling, but he was quite happy to keep pushing her for updates on her personal life and the one way street was beginning to annoy her. She knew it was his way of dealing with the stress of his marital problems - throwing himself into his work, not talking about his issues but focusing on Olivia's instead, but it irked her somewhat. His parting words that day had been that he was having dinner with Kathy to talk, she hoped they could end their obvious stalemate, because Elliot's stress levels were going through the roof.

As she sat back and tried to rest, all she wanted now was to relax...and hope that her phone didn't ring.

No sooner had she rested comfortably against the soft cushions of her couch when a knock at the door caught her attention. She signed, very few people could get into her building without being buzzed up so the most likely explanation was a neighbour...but somehow, as she stood up, she knew before she even reached the door that Elliot Stabler would be standing on the other side.

Sliding the chain back, she pulled open the door.

Their eyes met briefly before she stepped aside to give him room to walk past her into the apartment, closing the door, "how'd the talk with Kathy go?"

Her eye fell on the large gym bag as he placed it on the floor.

"Yeah," Elliot sighed, " _the talk_...she told me to leave."

Olivia felt a pang of concern for him and walked over, standing much nearer, the faint scent of beer lingering on him.

" _El_ ," she said, "if you don't mind the couch, it's yours for however long you want it."

"Thanks Liv," he sighed, "sorry to just turn up like this," he continued, a hint of hesitation creeping into his voice.

Olivia gave him a small smile, "no problem, anytime El, you know that. Make yourself at home - eaten yet?"

"No, I lost my appetite right around her telling me that I shut her out, that I'm never home," he sighed.

"I had a few beers...cut myself off, didn't wanna turn up at your door drunk," he sighed in frustration and sat down on her couch.

Olivia studied him from the kitchen as she set about making coffee; he bore a look of defeat, and she knew that this time was different.

Handing him a mug of coffee she sat down next to him on the couch, a respectable distance between them. Olivia felt very aware that Elliot seemed resigned to the separation this time - an air of despondency lingering over him, but she recognised his need for companionable silence, and did not break the quiet with small talk or questions.

They flicked through the channels on Olivia's television; eventually settling on a stand up comedy show which neither of them were really watching. The background noise appeared to settle Elliot a little and so Olivia joined him in his pretense of watching it, allowing him time to work out his obviously difficult thoughts.

Elliot placed his mug on the coffee table and turned to Olivia, "three days we were practically living the job Liv, sleeping there, not seeing anyone except the squad, not doing anything but focusing on the case, hunting down a bastard who...did things to a child, that I don't even wanna repeat, and i'm not there for her... _not there for my kids?_ "

Elliot leant forward, his elbows resting on his knees as he stared straight ahead, "how could she say that? ...I know it meant something to Lizzie...it was her big day and _of course_ I would have been there, but I was stopping that son of a bitch from raping and killing another child - and _she says i'm not there for her_ , and hands me divorce papers!" he sighed, turning his head to look at her, "I signed and then I left."

Olivia edged closer, her natural instinct to place a comforting hand on his shoulder, but a slight hesitance crept up on her which she chose not to analyse. She shook her head, choosing to ignore the reaction she had surprised herself with and rested her hand lightly on his shoulder.

The physical connection was instant - she couldn't help her awareness of the warmth that this most basic physical contact filled her with. It seemed they hardly ever touched, yet when they did Olivia could not help noticing how comfortable it felt, _how right_. She admonished herself for that thought, given that her best friend was going through a difficult time, the last thing she wanted to do was add complicated emotions into his ever brewing mix of problems.

Olivia sighed, wanting to say something to help ease his despondency, "El, the things we see - you don't want her to see that, this job..it's almost another world. It takes over - I have no idea what that's like when you have six people all wanting you to be there for them, all needing you, and you don't want to take this job home with you _to them_ …you want to protect them from it."

Olivia paused as Elliot sat up abruptly, turning to face her fully as he studied the surprise in her expression when he suddenly took hold of her, his hands grasping her shoulders as he looked intently into her eyes.

"I'm an idiot for what I said to you today Liv - I didn't mean it...but that doesn't take it back."

"Elliot, _it's okay_ , we both said things we didn't mean," Olivia whispered, her heart thudding at the sudden grasp of his hands on her shoulders.

Her instinct was to reach her arms up and slip them around his neck, pulling him into her arms, but she fought it, and instead tried not to think about the feel of his hands lightly gripping her shoulders.

" _You_ get it Liv, because we share this...we see horror every day, it's part of our lives. If Kathy saw even a fraction of what we do, she would...I don't know, she'd probably miss a school play too, to catch the bastard we've been after.… _but Liv_?" he paused, his gaze intent and almost probing, giving her a small shiver which she hoped he did not notice.

"El?" she whispered, her throat suddenly feeling dry, as she swallowed, the feel of his hands on her shoulders, and the intent expression in his eyes overwhelming her. He had caught her totally off guard with his sudden intensity, and although she knew his actions were most likely fuelled by alcohol, a part of her didn't want to break from his gaze. His expression bore a deeper affection than she had seen before; an almost loving warmth.

Shaking her head briefly she tried to regain her senses; her partner, _her friend_ , had just signed divorce papers, had a little too much to drink and come to her for a place to stay, for her friendship, for her support. She chided herself for taking any pleasure from the apparent intimacy of the moment, given that he was intoxicated to some degree, and had come to her because he was at a bad place, not because he wanted her to complicate the hell out of his already messy life.

Elliot dropped his hands from her shoulders and slumped back on the couch, and an almost inaudible sigh escaped Olivia at the loss of the slight pressure against her shoulders, " _You know what you mean to me right?_ " he said quietly as he looked at her.

Olivia shifted, settling onto the couch, her heart thudding heavily in her chest as she turned to her side to face him. She pursed her lips, fighting to find the right words, "El…" she whispered, but stopped, aware that any conversation that crossed their long established boundaries really needed to be when neither of them were under the influence of alcohol.

She was stumped, wanting to ask him what in fact she did mean to him, but her fear of ever having that conversation prevented her from letting the words escape her.

"I shouldn't have said what I did to you today...Christ Liv, If I keep pushing people away…" he paused, his voice dropping to an almost inaudible whisper, as he broke eye contact, " _I can't lose you too_."

"You are _not_ going to lose me El, we push each other all the time, I'm not going anywhere. I came back to SVU, back to being your partner, it's where I belong; remember? You said it was in my blood," she said with a slight smile.

Elliot met her eyes again and smiled, "what did I do to deserve a friend like you? I turn up here and you just take me in."

Olivia smiled,as she stood up, "You're always welcome here El, you know that. However long you need, ok?"

Elliot stood up as she turned to walk back toward the kitchen and quickly took hold of her arm, spinning her around to face him as he pulled her into a sudden hug.

Olivia almost lost her balance at the unexpected move on Elliot's part - he was clumsy and far less inhibited than he normally was and she knew this was down to the alcohol.

She froze for a moment, but when it was clear that he wasn't breaking his hold on her any time soon, she gave in, relaxing and slipping her arms around him, returning his embrace. The feel of being in his arms was comfortable, it gave her a warmth that she felt almost guilty for enjoying.

She felt her breath quickening as his hand began to move, tracing a slow path from her back, up towards her neck, his fingers brushing lightly against the exposed skin of her neck, before resting on her head. Using a slight pressure to encourage her to rest her head against him, he began to stroke her hair gently. The feel of his fingers caressing so lightly took her by surprise again - Elliot was repeatedly catching her off guard, but she couldn't deny that she really didn't really mind at all.

Pushing away slightly, she looked at him; he smiled and pulled her back toward him, as he placed a kiss on her head, and she felt herself relaxing, her head resting against his shoulder. She closed her eyes, ignoring the scent of beer as she breathed in his aftershave; she had never been this close to him for long enough to feel so completely embraced, so held by him.

Reminding herself though, that he was slightly intoxicated, she thought that she should probably step away. It felt good; their bodies moulding together as they embraced, but the thought of the potential fallout for allowing their actions to go any further soon struck Olivia.

With a small laugh, hoping that he did not detect the slight hesitance on her part, she pulled out of his arms and stepped around him.

"Get some sleep, you don't want Cragen thinking you're hungover tomorrow," Olivia said with a smile, her heart thudding as she stepped away.

Elliot dropped back down onto the couch and watched her as she walked into her bedroom, returning quickly with blankets and a pillow. He couldn't help noticing how beautiful she looked - he was normally far more discreet, denying his attraction even to himself, but tonight he allowed himself a little slip in that careful restraint and watched her with a smile.

He had never felt more like kissing her than he did at that moment. They had left each other that day after a horrible argument at the end of a tough case, and there were no grudges, no ill feeling. He knew he could turn to her in a second, he knew she would be there for him. Their connection was different, deeper and at times more complex than any other he had ever had over the years.

 _Olivia was different_ \- she was the person he always thought of, the person he always knew would be there for him. He always tried to be there for her too - although at times she didn't want to let him in, but that didn't stop him trying. He knew she cared about him, and he wondered...just how deep her feeling ran; he dared to consider for a moment that her feelings might run as deeply as his.

He allowed himself the bold act of his lingering glance, knowing that he had the excuse of alcohol to fall back on should she call him on it, but in truth he was not so drunk that he could not analyse his actions. He wanted to talk to her, wanted to tell her that she wasn't just a place to crash when he had nowhere else to go - that he would be so much happier just being in her presence.

His eyes dropped to the scattered items on her coffee table, as he tried not to fix his gaze on her for too long, prompting her to ask him what was wrong. He could never tell her, never risk her rejection, or the guilt she would undoubtedly hold for knowing that his heart had not belonged to Kathy for a very long time. he could not tell her, because _she_ was always his light, his hope...his love, and he could not lose that.

The next morning Olivia and Elliot walked into the squad room together each holding a coffee. Elliot secretly liked leaving for work with Olivia, there was none of the strained conversation he seemed to have dealt with every morning with Kathy. With Olivia it was comfortable and relaxed. He knew that Kathy would be happier and he guessed that he would be too, in time, once they had ironed out all of the issues - worked out arrangements for Lizzie and Dickie...but mainly Eli. He didn't even know how they were going to come to any kind of arrangement with a baby so young; it all seemed a complicated mess.

Sighing, he put it all out of his mind momentarily as he approached his desk and got ready to get down to work and place his focus elsewhere.

However, they had only just sat down at their desks when Cragen left his office, walking quickly over to them.

"Sorry guys, you gotta head straight out," he said as he approached Elliot, handing him a note with the location, "vic was dead at the scene, but Melinda said there's something _you're_ really going to have to see Elliot. Update me, ok?"

Elliot exchanged a glance with Olivia as he handed her the note. She briefly looked at the details of the location as they headed back towards the elevator.

 **What will they find at the crime scene? What will the link to Elliot be? Will Elliot act on his feelings again while sober, and will Liv respond?**

 **Chapter 2 will be up quite quickly as it starts off the case, and the story progresses from there.**


	2. Chapter 2

**As this story opens just before Signature I had to mention the extradition that Elliot Munch and Fin were absent from the episode for. Don't worry though, this won't morph into a Liv and Lake scene! That episode plays out in between chapters, (following this chapter) exactly as it did on screen.**

 **CHAPTER 2**

The crime scene was a twenty minute drive from the precinct, but traffic was moving slower than expected. Elliot rested his hands on the steering wheel as the squad car edged forward slowly in the crawling queue of vehicles. Olivia glanced at him, deciding not to probe him for information about what had happened with Kathy. She was content that he knew she was there if he did want to talk and so she left it to him to take the lead in opening up. There was no point in pushing it, he wouldn't open up to her unless he decided to himself.

"I need to pick some stuff up from the house - I didn't pack with much thought last night. Don't know how long this extradition thing is gonna take," Elliot said.

"Extradition?" Olivia asked, glancing at him confused.

"Yeah, remember Cragen telling me Munch and Fin he had to spare us for a couple days? He wasn't happy being three detectives down," Elliot said.

"I'd forgotten about that - just me and Lake till you all get back then. I'm sure it'll be quiet while you're gone - you won't miss anything except paperwork," Olivia said hopefully.

Elliot's thoughts began to dwell on the fact that Lake would be the one watching her back if there was any action while he was gone. He tensed at the thought of not being the one to be by her side, but his preoccupation was broken when he finally maneuvered out of the traffic and picked up speed, glad to finally be on the move.

"When I get back, I'm gonna talk to Kathy and work out an arrangement for seeing Eli" Elliot said as he concentrated on the road ahead, "and I'll start looking for a new place."

"No rush El, take your time. I don't mind having you around," Olivia said with a slight smile as she cast another glance in his direction.

They remained in a comfortable, companionable silence for the rest of the short drive, Elliot realising with surprise how relaxed he felt, considering the events of the previous night. He was going through with it this time, getting divorced from his wife of well over twenty years, who was happier caring for a newborn alone than with him at her side. He was determined to spend as much time with Eli as possible, that was the only thing he was sure of, the rest was a mess; but sitting in the car, driving to a crime scene, to face whatever they would witness there, he felt a moment of happiness surge through him.

Happiness, because for the precious moments in the car - in between his crumbling home life, and the scene of a murder ahead of them, he was with the person he felt the closest to, the person he cared for more than she could ever realise. Almost wishing that they could hit traffic again so that he could prolong the easy, relaxed atmosphere in the car between them, he sighed, stealing a glance at Olivia.

She leant her head back against the cushioned head rest, her elbow resting casually on the frame of the open window. The sunlight hit her, bathing her face and neck as she tilted her head slightly, almost instinctively toward the gentle heat of the suns rays.

The familiar sight of yellow crime scene tape and CSU vehicles were soon in view and he was forced to let go of the moment far too soon, but as he slowed down and put the car into park, he glanced at her again; she was looking ahead at the crowd gathered around the crime scene and he guessed, mentally assessing what they might be dealing with.

Not wanting to switch his focus until he absolutely had to, he took in the way that she reached for her sunglasses, the sunlight still streaming through the window on her side of the car, casting light across her face. He became filled with a compulsion to reach out with his hand and touch her cheek - she was beautiful, and she had no idea that she was able to make him happy just by her presence. God he wanted to tell her, but with everything else falling apart around him, he couldn't lose her, that wasn't a risk worth ever taking.

"El?" she said, looking at him with a questioning glance.

"Yeah?" he replied.

"What's wrong?" she asked, a hint of confusion colouring her voice.

"Wrong?" he asked, confused, until it dawned on him that he had parked the car and done nothing but stare at her; and she had noticed.

"Sorry, let's go," he said, shaking his head to focus himself as he opened the door.

As they approached the crime scene, Melinda, who was crouched over the body, stood up and watched them. The sombre, wary look on her face unsettled them both slightly, but they remained focused.

"What do we have here?" Olivia asked.

"The victim is female, her driving license ID'S her as Alisha Jackson, aged 18. She was raped and beaten, cause of death at a guess would be a blow to her head, but I'll be able be to confirm when I autopsy," Melinda said, "Elliot..." she began, an edge of hesitation creeping into her voice.

"What is it?" He said.

"Do you know her? Is she at all familiar?" Melinda asked.

"No, any reason she should be? Did she have one of my cards?" Elliot asked.

Melinda sighed and crouched down, lifting up the victim's shirt to reveal a bruised and bloodied stomach.

"You could say that, take a look," Melinda said, gesturing to a darker patch of blood on the centre of the victim's stomach.

"What is it?" Olivia asked,

"A tattoo. From the blood and tissue trauma, It had to have been performed within the past few hours, and it looks as though professional tattoo needle was used - it's not crudely done, but it's uneven, messy - she was possibly held down, forced to have it."

"So what are we looking at here? " Olivia asked, "sex trafficking?"

"Nothing that indicates that yet," Melinda said, casting a glance at Elliot, "take a closer look - I think the perp may have left a message for you Elliot..."

Elliot crouched down and looked at the bloodied tattoo, and instantly tensed, standing up abruptly, "What the hell is this?" he asked, the disturbance he felt, clear in his voice.

"What is it? " Olivia asked, frowning as she leant down, taking a closer look.

Taking a moment to process what she had seen, she stood up focusing her gaze firmly on Elliot.

"6313," She said.

"It could be a coincidence..." Melinda began

"Pretty big coincidence that the four numbers the psycho decided to forcibly tattoo onto her are my badge number," Elliot said, with disquiet.

Elliot silently observed the body of the young woman as Olivia talked with Melinda, He was only partially aware of their conversation as he took in the sight in front of him. He ran through the likelihood in his head of four numbers, in the identical sequence to his badge number appearing at a crime scene, on a body; but it seemed far too unlikely to be merely coincidence. Suddenly aware of Olivia's hand on his arm, he turned to face her.

"El, you ready to go?" She said, a hint of concern to her voice.

Elliot shook his head, and looked at his partner, appreciating the concern in her eyes but feeling far too tense and confused to respond. Stepping aside he took a deep breath and began to walk back in the direction of their car.

Olivia watched as Elliot walked quickly back to the car - he was inside, slamming the door behind him and sitting behind the steering wheel before she could even have a chance to suggest that she drive this time. Making her way over she opened the door and slid into the seat next to him, closing the door with less force than her partner had used. Casting a glance in his direction she felt a pang of concern for him as she noticed his tension - his hands gripped the steering wheel tightly, and his jaw was set hard as he focused his eyes straight ahead through the windscreen.

"Elliot, talk to me," Olivia said.

Elliot released his grip on the steering wheel with one hand and shoved the key into the ignition, bringing the car to life, before moving his hand to the gear shift to put the car in drive, hesitating, he took a deep breath and let it out in a fast, barely controlled manner before he turned his head to look at her.

"What the hell was that?" he said as he met her eyes.

Olivia didn't attempt to offer an explanation, when he knew only too well that she knew as much as he did.

"This psycho left some sort of calling card for me? Christ Liv, can my life get any more messed up?" he said as his grip tightened on the gear stick.

"At least we know who she is, that'll give us something to go on then we can see if there's really a link. We'll find it if there is El," she said.

"I don't like having to leave Eli before we know what we're dealing with here. If some psycho is leaving me a message…" Elliot began.

"I'll check on them El, and when you get back, we might have some progress."

"You'll check on Kathy and Eli?" Elliot asked as he turned to face her, his gaze softening and relaxing instantly.

"Of course El, but they'll be fine," Olivia said as she noticed the obvious relief and appreciation in his eyes.

With a sigh Elliot switched off the ignition, and gave her a slight smile; the affection and gratitude shone through despite his tension.

"Olivia…" he began as he reached for her, placing a hand on her arm as his heart raced at the feeling that he didn't seem to be thinking clearly anymore.

Olivia held his gaze, her own expression a mixture of confusion and concern, but he could not help but notice the shift in her as soon as his hand touched her arm. He began to lightly and slowly move his hand in small circles on her arm, almost fascinated by the way he could feel the softness of her arm through the rough fabric of her jacket.

He couldn't help the way his mind wandered, wondering how much softer her skin would feel against his hand if he slipped her jacket off, slowly snaked his hand across her abdomen, moved up, exploring her body. He was filled with a conflicting mass of confusing feelings and thoughts. He wanted to move forward and pull her into his arms, run his fingers through her hair as he pulled her face toward him capturing her lips with his. The rational part of his mind seemed to scream at him to take his hand off her arm, but he chose to ignore that because after all, she didn't seem to mind, and that was the only voice he could listen to at that moment.

Her eyes immediately left his and drifted to his hand, lingering there as she took her bottom lip between her teeth, remaining silent, her reaction hard to read.

Olivia released her breath and allowed her gaze to move back from his hand to meet his eyes.

"El," she whispered, before pausing, unsure of the right words.

"Shh," Elliot whispered, "Liv...I..."

Olivia could no longer see the crime scene, hear the clamour from the CSU and police vehicles which were gathered closer to the scene. She felt an odd sense of relief that they had parked far enough away from the other vehicles that she could let her concentration focus only on the moment between them, inside the car. She wondered why she felt relief at that and what she actually wanted to happen.

He ran his hand from her arm up towards her shoulder, watching her carefully for any sign that she was going to either push him away and slap him, or ask him what the hell had gotten into him, but he saw no anger or barrier on her part. Her gaze softened, and he felt the tension leave her body as his hand lightly squeezed her shoulder.

Olivia felt her heart beating faster and harder at the feel of his hand leaving her shoulder and moving up to her neck, eliciting a small shiver at his touch as his fingers traced her skin lightly before tangling in her hair, his hand resting on the back of her head.

Her breath quickened, and she attempted to sort through the jumbled mess of thoughts in her head, fast, and decide how to react. She wanted to slip off her seat belt, and lean closer to him, but she was almost certain that if she did that, there would be no going back.

"Liv," he whispered, "you ok?"

Olivia gave a small laugh and felt a pang of regret at responding that way when she noticed Elliot tense, and the flash of hurt that crossed his face for a moment.

How could she be ok? When Elliot Stabler was running his fingers across her neck and into her hair, and making her want to fall into his arms, ok was not a word she would use for how she felt. Warmth, attraction, and if she let herself admit it; _aroused_ by his touch - those were more appropriate words than 'ok.'

Elliot dropped his hand, breaking the contact between them and causing Olivia to suppress the urge to groan at the loss of contact.

"Liv, _shit,_ sorry," he said.

Olivia realised she had to fix this, and fast, so she reached for his hand and gripped firmly, watching him with sincerity as he turned to meet her eyes again.

"El," she whispered, taking a breath and trying to muster the courage to let the words spill from her lips, "don't be sorry... _i'm not_."

Elliot felt his heart rise in the hope that he hadn't just made a move on his partner and ruined what they had between them - what he valued so greatly.

He swallowed, "you're not?"

"No El," Liv said softly, before finding her other hand almost involuntarily moving towards him. She kept her gaze fixed on his as her hand gently cupped his cheek, her other holding his, their fingers lacing together as he turned his hand around.

Olivia was aware of how close they now were to each other, how he leaned his face into her hand, and how the only sound she could hear was the sound of their breaths, fast, rapid and uncontrolled.

The sound of Olivia's cellphone ringing pierced the silence in the car and Elliot closed his eyes, uttering a curse as Olivia dropped her hand from his cheek and slipped her other hand from his, flipping her phone open.

"It's Cragen," she whispered, before glancing at him.

Elliot watched her carefully as she spoke to Cragen, hoping with each second that passed until the end of the call that she would not regret what had just happened between them.

Ending the call, she met his eyes with a warm smile, reaching over to place her hand on his, squeezing gently and reassuringly.

He let out a breath that he hadn't realised he had been holding. He couldn't tell her; couldn't begin to explain how much she meant to him, how he dreamed of making love to her, and how his heart had belonged to her for a long time, but she had responded in a way he hadn't dreamed that she would, and that gave him hope.

Olivia related the brief details of the call and Elliot started the engine, smiling as he turned the car around and headed back, away from the crime scene; the thought that things might be starting to turn a corner for him despite the new disturbing development, brought him a hope that he hadn't felt for a long time.

 **I promise things will heat up between Liv and El soon :-)**


	3. Chapter 3

**This chapter takes place following Signature, which had a distinct lack of Elliot. Olivia was in shock and alone at the scene at the end, and my heart broke for her!**

Olivia sat on her couch, a blanket pulled loosely around her as she stared at the switched off television set in front of her. On the coffee table sat an opened bottle of wine and a full glass of wine, untouched.

Olivia couldn't remember leaving the scene, it had all been a blur. Her memory of the past few hours was a strange fragmented puzzle, with disjointed snapshots not quite piecing together in her head. The crime scene...the room she hadn't expected to become a crime scene, and the person she hadn't expected to shoot herself in front of her. Lake, CSU, making a statement, and Cragen driving her home. She wondered how useful her statement was going to be, when she barely remembered what she had said.

Olivia was pulled from her thoughts by the sound of knocking at her door. Sighing, she decided to try ignoring it at first; she really didn't feel like talking to anyone. It became obvious very quickly that the person on the other side of the door was not going away any time soon however.

Glancing at her now ringing cell phone on the coffee table in front of her, she didn't need to pick it up to know who was calling her, and certainly who was at her door. Giving in, she reached out and pressed the button to answer the call.

'Elliot, I don't feel like talking right now, i'm going to bed,' she said.

'It's not even seven yet, you're not going to bed, come on Liv, I just need to know you're ok. Cragen told me what happened and I came straight here as soon as I got back to the city Why didn't you call me?'

'To say what? It's not like you could change anything, i'm fine El, just not up for company," Olivia said, the words sounding like a lie even to her.

She did want company, and she _did_ want to talk to Elliot. She wanted to open the door and bring him in, share her feelings with the person who was undoubtedly the closest to her than anyone else, but she knew that she would not hold it together and she didn't want to fall apart in front of him.

She leaned back on the couch, her gaze drifting up to the ceiling, as she blinked back the tears that were already forming. She wanted to give in to her emotions; to cry, to shout, to tell Elliot how fucking despondent she felt at that moment. She wanted to tell him how horrified she had felt at the moment Lauren Cooper killed herself in front of her. She wanted to tell him how distressed and nauseous and hollow she _still felt_ , after falling asleep on her couch, exhausted as soon as she had got home, and waking from an uncomfortable, restless sleep where she woke within an hour, Lauren invading her dreams so that she couldn't even find peace from what she had witnessed by shutting off and sleeping.

She wanted to tell him all of that, and she knew he would listen - he would probably even hold her, this would be one of those rare occasions where they would act on the others need; it was unavoidable, her emotions intense and fragile, as she tried not to break. He would be there for her, _she knew that,_ but for that reason she couldn't let him in - because she _wanted_ to be held by him, she wanted his comfort and security and she would fall too easily into his arms. He would not take issue with that, she was sure that he would welcome her if she relinquished her fragile grip on her emotions and fell into his arms; he wanted to help her, but she couldn't bear for him to see her break.

'Olivia," Elliot began, before letting out a frustrated sigh.

'El, i'll see you tomorrow,' she said determinedly, despite with every fibre of her being wanting to say quite the opposite.

Tonight she felt vulnerable, and she wanted him; she just didn't care about boundaries at that moment and that thought scared her a little. She was certain he would respond if she chose to discard their barriers, and for that reason alone she decided to not even move from the couch - not to go anywhere near her apartment door.

'Ok Liv, but look...call me,' he began, the uncertainty of his own words annoying him, '...if you want to talk…'

Olivia felt a pang of guilt at having a conversation with him on the phone when he was only yards away, on the other side of her firmly bolted door, especially when his intention was so caring. He wanted to be there for her, but she just couldn't let him in. Their closeness was reaching something new, something different - there had been a shift and she was only too aware, as she was sure he was too, that it would take little to move them that last inch closer and cross a boundary they would not come back from. She was certain that she wouldn't want to come back - but the fear of risking their relationship engulfed her, holding her in a stranglehold which prevented her from inching forward toward him.

If it all fell apart, what would remain? What would be left of their friendship and their partnership?

Elliot stood at the other side of Olivia's door as he put his phone back in his pocket, leaning his arm against her door frame, and resting his head firmly on his arm. He was tired, he wanted to go home, but didn't really know where that was. He considered the place he had begun to call home again... _Kathy's home_ , but could see little point. Eli would be asleep, and there was just nothing to talk to Kathy about.

He had called briefly, reassured himself that Kathy and Eli were fine and he couldn't have loved Olivia more when Kathy said that not only had she had stopped by and checked on them, but she had called again just a few hours ago.

He knew Olivia would be in shock after what she had witnessed, and would have been tied up making a statement and dealing with how she felt about it all, yet during all that, she took a moment, a totally selfless moment, to make a call to check on his soon to be ex wife and baby.

He hated that Olivia had been through something while he was away, and was shutting herself off when she probably should just open her door. If she didn't want to talk, he wouldn't push her, but he hated that she was just forcing herself to be alone. She had looked out for his family even after witnessing something horrific, and all he wanted was for her to let _him_ be there for _her_ now.

He just wanted her to let him support her like she never failed to support him. It tore him apart to think that she would be alone with her thoughts, second guessing herself, replaying it, deciding how she could have anticipated it and prevented it.

The fact that he had nowhere else to go was actually the last thing on his mind - only once he resigned himself to the fact that she was not letting him in did he realise that fact. Deciding to respect her need for space, he moved back from her door and turned around, walking towards the stairs, deciding to head back to the precinct and sleep in the cribs, but he paused at the sound of a door opening.

" _Elliot_ ," she said quietly, "I'm not thinking straight tonight," she said, as he turned around, "what am I doing? You're staying with me _...i'm sorry_ , come in."

Elliot paused, taking in her demeanor; she had obviously been crying and looked beyond tired. He walked back over toward her, and she stepped to the side. He paused and swallowed - the naked vulnerability she wore at that moment impossible not to see, and the need to respond to her and take her in his arms was just too much.

Olivia moved her eyes away from his, the concern in his softening gaze was difficult to witness. Turning and walking back into her apartment she left Elliot to close the door as she made her way over to her bedroom.

Elliot watched her silently, hesitating from any movement on his part, for fear that he would not be able to stop himself from reaching for her. He didn't want to do anything which would tell her that he recognised how vulnerable and emotionally weakened she appeared to him at that moment. He knew she would resent that insinuation, but it hurt him to see her in pain and shutting him away when he wanted to be there for her.

"I'm going to bed El, you know where everything is, I need to sleep," she said quietly, before turning and walking into her bedroom. Her door was a fraction away from closing when Elliot took a deep breath and stepped forwards.

"Liv..wait," he said.

Olivia paused at the other side of the door, not wanting to open it, not trusting herself when she felt so fragile.

Elliot stared at the remaining gap that the partially closed door left between them - he couldn't invade her privacy when she had made it clear she wanted to be alone but he couldn't just step away from her.

He placed one hand on the wall next to the door, leaning slightly forwards, toward the barrier she held between them. Praying that she would relent and open the door.

Olivia gripped the door handle and paused, he hadn't spoken again, but she knew he was still there and if she chose to admit it - _she wanted him to be_ ; it gave her comfort knowing that he was.

Taking a deep breath, she pulled the door open but did not meet his eyes.

"I'm tired, I really need to go to sleep," she said.

It was a lie and he wasn't fooled for a moment - he knew she would only lay awake thinking about Lauren Cooper's suicide, she wouldn't sleep, she wouldn't rest.

"Liv," he whispered, feeling his heart race as he swallowed and steeled himself for her rejection from his next move.

"Liv," he repeated softly, this time the gentle tone of his voice causing her to look up and meet his eyes.

As soon as her eyes met his, the fear of breaking in front of him left her. She saw only empathy, warmth and concern - and when he held out his arms to her, she stepped forward without hesitation, relaxing into his arms as he embraced her.

Her hands reached up and her arms wrapped around his neck as he pulled her close to him, one arm around her back and the other reaching higher, his hand resting against the back of her head.

The feeling of being in his arms was everything she needed at that moment and she felt a slight wave of panic wash through her at that thought; she couldn't do this with Elliot, their relationship was far too important to risk.

The panic left her instantly as soon she felt Elliot leant forward and placed a gentle kiss on her head. Panic gave way to calm as she let herself relax again, his hold a comfort she didn't want to deny herself.

"Olivia," he whispered, his words so quiet she could only just hear him.

"Olivia, _I love you._ "

Olivia felt a tear escape as she began to tremble, no longer fighting her need to cry.

"I know El," she whispered as she pressed her forehead against his shoulder, her tears flowing freely.

"I love you too."

Elliot felt overjoyed at her admission, but was only too aware of her emotional state. He couldn't step away now, not when he had been so honest, and definitely not when she had said those words. Those words that meant everything to him because they came from Olivia.

"Don't be alone tonight Liv," he said softly, "just...let me hold you."

Olivia continued to cry in his arms as Elliot held her. He wanted to tell her how long he had loved her - how many times he had dreamed about her, fantasized about her, how vital she was to his life, how badly he wanted to make love to her.

He knew though, that she had bared her vulnerability to him, and what she needed at that moment was his friendship and his love, nothing more. Tonight she just needed him to be there for her, and he was relieved and grateful that she was letting him.

"You should rest Liv," he whispered, before shifting back slightly creating enough room between their bodies to allow him to reach her, placing a kiss against her forehead.

"I.. can I just.." he said, his heart beating hard and fast as his words tumbled out, "can I lay with you Liv, and...just, hold you tonight?"

Olivia looked up at him, meeting his eyes, struck by the warmth and love she saw in him - the love he held for her.

"Ok," she whispered, with a slight smile, her tears slowing as she turned around, and crawled straight into her bed, lying down on her side, as she slid under the covers.

Elliot took a deep breath, and kicked off his shoes, placed his jacket over a chair and then climbed into bed next to her, his body shuffling closer as his arm slipped around her waist, pulling her close to him. He pressed his lips against her cheek, kissing her as he felt her body relax against his. Elliot closed his eyes and let out a slow breath, relieved and grateful that she had let him in, and not shut herself off to face this alone.

"I've got you Liv," he whispered, his lips hovering over her cheek as he spoke.

She closed her eyes, feeling more at peace than she ever expected to that night. The feel of his body against hers, his arm around her - his concern wasn't something to regret causing, it was a reflection of how deep his feeling for her really was.

Shifting position slightly, she slipped her hand into his, his arm tightening protectively and lovingly around her in response.

Elliot felt her relax, and only when he was sure she had fallen asleep did he drift off to sleep, feeling more at peace than he had felt in a very long time.

 **Next chapter - the case linked to Elliot continues, what does the perp want with him? Liv and El have crossed a barrier and now they will only grow closer. :-)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Last chapter Olivia and Elliot crossed a line and told each other how they felt. The door is open now for them to grow closer, but how will they feel the next day, after their declarations? Sorry for the delay - and the next chapter of Disarm is underway too. I got sidetracked and wrote Secrets to ease my...feelings, about the season 16 finale.**

Elliot woke to the smell of coffee - stretching he opened his eyes and glanced around the room. Olivia's room. Olivia's bed.

He glanced around, his eyes taking in the familiarity of her things; her jacket across the back of a chair, her photographs on the wall. He had been in Olivia's bedroom before, but waking up in her bed afforded him a fresh way of seeing those same things - a different level, _an intimate level._

The fact that she wasn't still lying next to him gave him a sudden pang of concern. They hadn't even kissed - it wasn't as though they had taken things further - but their confessions spoke volumes. His mind whirled briefly at all of the possibilities of her reaction at waking in her bed, in his arms. Deciding not to let his mind go there and second guess her reaction, he knew he had to make a move and see how she was.

Elliot climbed out of bed, and stretched again, realising that he had slept in his clothes, and wished that he had at least taken his shirt off - but he had to go with it - Olivia just needed him to hold her, she didn't need him stripping off and confusing her with his intention.

He walked out of her bedroom and paused, catching sight of her as she sat in the kitchen sipping a coffee. He wanted so much to go over to her, take her in his arms and kiss her, but last night she had needed him for a different reason. In the light of day, now that she was not in shock, it would seem like he was making a move.

 _Which is exactly what he wanted to do._

He could almost feel her, the way her hip felt against his hand as he pulled her closer to him and held her. Even though they were both fully clothed, the feel of her so close to him was a moment he didn't want to let go of. The softness of her body, the way she felt just right, held against him - holding her in his arms all night, was something he couldn't possibly just forget - he needed to know that she was ok with it.

He took a moment to watch her as she sipped her coffee, she was dressed casually, and her hair was messy and damp - she hadn't yet put on any make up and Elliot was struck by how beautiful she looked. He didn't get the opportunity to see her like this very often, so natural, so casual.

She looked up and he admonished himself for letting her catch him staring at her again.

"Hey El," she said with a small smile.

"Hey Liv," he said, returning her smile with warmth, "you're not going in today are you?"

"Cragen told me to stay home - _but he relented_ , I just have to see Huang when I get in," she said.

Elliot walked over to her, leaning slightly against the kitchen counter as he watched her.

"You should take today off... _you ok_?" he asked.

"I'm fine El,"

Elliot sighed, she wasn't going to say anything else, and he hadn't expect her to, but he had hoped that she would at least take a day off. Realising his argument would be futile, he decided to approach the next issue.

"You sleep ok?" he asked.

"Never better," she said, this time with a slight smile.

Elliot smiled at her and she couldn't help but return his smile with equal affection.

"Look Liv, I think we should talk..about what we both said last night," Elliot said, hoping that she wouldn't close off.

Olivia sighed and turned on her stool to face him fully, "Ok," she whispered.

"Liv, I meant what I said...and I know you did too. I am not going to pretend that didn't happen, that we don't both feel this way."

"I don't want you to," Olivia whispered.

Elliot felt a surge of hope at her words and stepped forward, one hand instinctively going to her shoulder, his fingers lightly gripping her. Feeling her tense slightly, he frowned.

"What are you thinking Liv?" he asked quietly, the fear that she might back away from him, from what they could potentially have, striking him suddenly.

Olivia took a deep breath and let it out slowly, her eyes meeting his.

"I'm just...I meant it El and I know you did too, but... _you're married_."

He dropped his hand from her shoulder, the word hit him hard - cutting right through him, with the reality she had thrown in his face.

"I signed divorce papers Liv," he said, fighting the urge to reach up and run his fingers through her hair.

Olivia turned on her stool slightly, her gaze falling on the droplets of water dripping from the tap into her kitchen sink.

"You've done that before," she whispered, "I just...don't want to just jump into this El, you have a family to think of, and..there's work...there's.."

"There's what?"

"There's us...I can't, _I don't want to lose us, El_ ," she whispered.

"Olivia you are not going to lose us, you've been part of my life for years now, you always will be, I promise you that, I won't let anything take away us," he said, growing frustrated, "Damn it Liv, don't look for excuses, if we both love each other then what is the problem?"

Olivia's head tilted down, her eyes falling to the repeated pattern on the floor tiles.

"Olivia, look at me," he said, moving to stand in front of her, taking her chin gently into his hand and tilting her head back up, his eyes finding hers.

"We take this as slow as you want to ok?" he said earnestly.

Olivia's eyes softened and she gave a laugh, Elliot frowned at her reaction.

"What's so funny?"

"I don't want to go slow El, that's the problem."

Elliot relaxed and moved his hand to her cheek, leaning forward, not breaking eye contact, ensuring that he was on the right page, before placing a soft kiss on her lips.

"Don't over think this Liv, just let it happen - it's you, it's me, we know each other inside and out, i've been by your side for so many years -how could I not fall in love with you?"

Olivia broke eye contact and looked away, her discomfort at his compliment only endearing her to his heart even further.

"I haven't been in love with Kathy for a long time now Liv, I tried... _I tried_ because..divorcing her changes so much. We've handled being separated for a long time now, but when I moved back with her - it was something I had to do - she was pregnant, I had to stand by her. I had to be there, but I didn't love her, and she didn't love me, we both just tried to be in love again. I'm glad she gave me those divorce papers Liv, because I would have just held on to something that I had lost years ago, and never told you how I felt," he paused, watching carefully to see if she had taken in his words.

"I would never have told you how I felt if I wasn't able to take it anywhere Olivia, I promise you that."

Olivia gave a small smile and reached out hesitantly, Elliot immediately stepping forward to take her in his arms. She stretched her arms around him and her hands settled against the strong muscles of his back.

Elliot smiled as he felt her hair brush his cheek as he pulled back slightly, looking into her eyes and feeling satisfied that she was okay, before moving in again and kissing her.

Olivia closed her eyes as his lips met hers, the sensation of the softness of his lips pressing against hers sent waves of passion through her. Her lips parted instinctively at the same moment that his did and their tongues connected, hungrily and eagerly tasting each other as their hands caressed and explored, their passion building quickly. His hand snaked up into her hair, while hers roamed up and down his back.

The sound of a cell phone ringing registered in Olivia's mind, but she refused to let it break the moment. A decade of desire flooded out in in their embrace, and a cell phone was not going to force a pause in the way that she was tasting him, the way that his tongue was exploring her mouth, and his fingers were stroking the back of her neck.

As the sound of the phone ringing ended, Elliot ran both of his hands down to her hips, stepping closer as she parted her legs, helping him to move nearer to her, letting go of any distance left between them.

Elliot's phone began to ring and Olivia groaned slightly against his mouth, knowing as well as he did that it would be Cragen, unable to reach her, so trying Elliot next.

He reluctantly broke his kiss, his forehead lingering against hers briefly before she slipped her arm up, pulling him towards her, her hand guiding him back towards her lips. Placing a soft kiss against his lips, she then sat back and sighed, smoothing her hair back from her face with her hand.

Moving aside to grab his cellphone from the other end of the counter, he exhaled, stilling himself before speaking to Cragen. Answering the call, he glanced at olivia with a brief, warm smile before looking away, focusing on remaining professional.

"Stabler," he said, his voice betraying none of the lust and desire he felt at that moment.

Olivia watched him as he held a brief conversation with Cragen, picking up on threads of the call from his responses. Realising that they were likely going to be heading straight in, she grabbed her coffee and took a few sips before placing it back down as he ended the call.

"Looks like the perp left me another message - another rape and murder, same M.O, _Christ,_ " he said, running his hand across his face, "we gotta head to the station house Liv, sorry."

Olivia gave a sympathetic smile, "Cragen say it was definitely linked?"

Elliot exhaled, frustrated, "Yeah, looks like - we better hit the road."

As they headed out of Olivia's building together, walking side by side, their hands almost touching as they walked through the busying streets, they were unaware of the man leaning slightly out of his car window, watching them closely through the lens of his camera as he adjusted the focus, zooming in to look at them with interest.

He focused the lens on Olivia, watching the way her eyes met Elliot's, and a slight smile formed as he spoke to her.

His finger pressed the button as he quickly captured close up shots of them both as they walked along the street and eventually out of his line of sight.

He started his engine, putting the car into drive and heading in the direction of the Queensboro Bridge.

 **What will they find out about the perp? And will Liv and El finally take their relationship further? Where is the perp headed?**


	5. Chapter 5

**AUTHOR NOTE**

I apologise for the extended delay in updating this story. I will not abandon it, and greatly appreciate everyone who is following it. I am focusing on finishing Disarm, which has 2-3 more chapters until the end. I also have an idea for a story which I cannot get out of my head - it's EO of course, and Munch is important to helping uncover things, but it is different in theme, and I am excited about it. I am going to write all my ideas down so it gets out of my head, then come back to this story.

Apologies again - the next time there is an alert for this story it will be a new chapter!

I vow not to post any new stories without being at least 75% finished from now on!


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